In part one of We Are All Alloparents, I talked about how difficult it can be to get through the day even as a TAB mother of one without the help of alloparents.
I’m very much of the opinion that alloparenting is one of many ways to stick two fingers up at the kyriarchy, and probably a feminist act too.
But why? Why should you care? Especially if you’re not the guardian of a child yourself?
Firstly, I wanted to look at the old “but you chose to have children” card that is often pulled out when guardians of children usually the mother dare to ask not to be discriminated against and possibly even helped because of their childed status.
Two things. First of all, you don’t know whether or not someone actually did choose to have children. Until contraception and abortions are freely available to all who want them, you can’t know for sure if someone really did choose to have a child. (And conversely, you don’t know for sure if someone really has chosen not to have children; they may have, but they also may not have been able to.)
Secondly, so what? So what if I chose to have a child? I also chose to rent my house from a private landlord rather than buy it or rent from a housing association. I still think I’m entitled to protection and rights in law even though it’s a choice. I chose to work part time at the local council; I could have gone onto income support or taken a full time job elsewhere. But I still should be entitled to, for example, union representation, even though I made that choice. Why does something being a “choice” immediately mean “and therefore you have no right to complain ever”?
But it’s not just that. It’s more than that. See, yes, in my case, I did have a choice. But here’s the thing. My child? Another human being? He didn’t have any say in the matter. He came into the world without a choice about it.
Even if you don’t think I’m entitled to any special rights because I made the choice to have a child, surely my child is, as another human being? I mean, children are people too, aren’t they?
And if you give a shit about standing up to kyriarchy at all, then isn’t standing up for someone in an oppressed group (and yes, children are an oppressed group – one day I will write that “adult privilege” checklist) one way of saying no, I’m not going to accept this “rule of masters” thing?
And if you give a shit about feminism at all, isn’t helping out another sister a worthwhile thing to do (and I say sister because it is usually the mother of the child who is in need of the help – usually, although not always)?
But it’s about more than that. It’s about the fact that alloparenting – assisting the parent and child who are struggling – is a great way to model to the next generation that this is what you do. That if people struggle, you don’t make it worse for them; you make it better. That you don’t discriminate against people because they’re acting in a non-kyriarchy approved way. That you don’t kick shit out of an already oppressed group. Aren’t these the lessons we want to impart? What better way then, than modeling those lessons?
And let’s not forget kyriarchy is cruel. And one day those children will become the “masters”. Do we want to be “ruled” by them? Or do we want to break that cycle?
